English Banditry

Yes, I mean you, asshole.

STUDYING IN JAPAN

Maybe you were the son of a bitch Chinese foreign student at a party in Japan. When I approached you ever so politely in Japanese, you responded in your retardo English. You asked me things like "How long you study English?”, things I will never understand. As polite as I was to you, you continued to break rapport through our entire "broken" conversation as you tried to burgle my English. Your English is a piece of shit, but you, being the arrogant mother fucker that you are, continued to vomit your disgusting infected wound of an excuse for "English" upon me. I don't know what kind of a tramp you had for a mother, but she certainly didn't teach you the proper manners of polite society. You have a lot of nerve treating another person like you tried to treat me. I did not come all the way to Japan to help a stupid Chinese boy like you who didn't learn English for a shit review the basics of English he should have mastered by age 14. As cool as you thought you were, you sure as shit didn't impress me. There are a million non-native English speakers in Europe and around the world who could walk circles around the ability you MIGHT gain IF AND ONLY IF you were to spend every waking moment of every day for the rest of your worthless joke of a life studying English. I'm sure your little Chinese buddies standing behind you were impressed by what a badass you are, but in the REAL world you were the jackass. The joke is on you, because while you thought you were showing off -- you were the fool. I was replying back to you in perfect Polish and you didn't even notice the difference, YOU STUPID FUCK.

(Alternate Title: Maximizing Filthifying Efficiency)

The Chinese Custodial Art Masters' floor mopping techniques are truly 獨一無二 (unique, unparalleled) in this world, not just for their superficiality and face-giving basic purpose and how utterly useless they are when it comes to increasing the degree of sanitation of any facility (including hospitals, no doubt) by even a single degree, but also for their efficiency in contributing to further filthification of the facilities in which they are employed. Since the additional filth is in most cases conveniently siphoned off the shoes of members of the general public, it can also be said that in preparation for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, traditional Chinese Custodial Art mopping (insert random obligatory 5,000 years of history reference) is a kind of public service insofar as it reduces the frequency at which the general public needs to clean the soles of their own shoes. First let's do a run-down of the basic principles followed by Traditional Professional Chinese Custodians across the vast nation of 55 ethnic minorities:

Thinking back a few years, I'm pretty sure I'd read a passage like this and feel annoyed. What arrogance! What silly short-sightedness! (The following applies in no less degree to China)

Rather than talking of a particular region or country, Japanese are notorious for asking "how do people do this abroad" or "what do foreigner think about that" or "if I go abroad, do they have this or that" ? My answer is invariably the same "but where ? in which country ? for whom ?" [Source]

But reading this today, I've realized the behavior is now thoroughly a part of the way I express myself in Mandarin. I haven't put the slightest bit of thought into it for ages, but yet I am sure I speak in this manner on regular basis. I tend to refer to the way anything is outside of China as merely being that way abroad (国外). It's also just dawned on me why I like it so much -- basically it gives me a free license to insult without causing offence! When I say "we do such and such" or something happens in "such and such way" abroad, I am telling the listener that his homeland is uniquely unconventional and bizarre and fails to do things in the "normal" way that the rest of the world does. What gives me the right to claim I know how the whole rest of the world does something? Well, nothing! But no one has called me on it yet, so it's my listener's problem if he lets me get away with this blatant bit of logical fraud.