China Postal: The Consistency Of Our Service Never Changes, Only The Assholes That Do It Do!

nospam@example.com (your host) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:46:48 -0700

In this ever changing age of technology, it's always comforting to know that some things never change: people cheating on their wives, computer crashes, students' lack of enthusiasm for school after returning from the summer holiday—and the Chinese postal service beating the living fucking hell out of your packages with a baseball bat before delivering them. I assume my birthday present didn't look like this a few days ago when my parents sent it:

The good thing about all of this, though, is that they were polite enough this time to affix a sticker to alert me to the fact that they bashed the piss out of my gift before giving it to me. Kudos to the genius who thought of that. If I hadn't seen the sticker there, I might have just assumed it was a modern art box design. This is definitely an improvement over a box I shipped from China to the USA five years ago which they had beaten the shit out of then poked a hole in the side and poured in dirt to mix with my books and clothing, but to which no such sticker had been attached.

The other really great thing about the Chinese post office is that THEY WON'T EVEN ACTUALLY DELIVER. That's right—if you get a box, they'll send you a postcard which says: "We have your box, come get it your damn self cause we are so busy bashing the fuck out of people's packages we don't have time to come give you". Of course, pray to god the sender didn't write your name in Chinese on it, because if you're like me—having graduated long ago and pitched my only ID (my student ID) that actually had my Chinese name on it—you're going to have a helluva a time trying to convince the counter lady that the English letter composed name printed on your passport is the "equivalent" of the Chinese name on the box. And, yes, you do need to take your passport. No, they won't let you use the postcard as "proof" that it's your package.

Lesson Learned: Don't Ask My Coworkers ANYTHING ANYTIME ANYHOW ANYWHERE

nospam@example.com (your host) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:01:38 -0700

JLPT here I come, baby! If I can pay the 350 kuai within the 72 hours before my registration expires, I am going to HEILONGJIANG University. And with all this, I have learned an important life lesson: never again will I ask my Chinese coworkers ANYTHING.

First yesterday I was trying to fax a copy of my passport to make sure I get into the test without any issues. I don't know how to dial long distance in China. I've always used a special IP discount code for my cell phone. But I sure as shit can tell you how to dial normal numbers in the country I grew up in, and I sure as shit wouldn't pretend I knew if I didn't. So I ask the Ayi if I just dial as it's written, and she says yes. It's not working. She gets some random guy to help me. The whole thing about helping people is that you shouldn't even try if there is a better than 50% chance you will just make things worse. He had no idea how to dial from SHANGHAI to BEIJING, but just kept trying all sorts of random shit. Finally he conclusively tells me "oh, it's a wrong number". In the process he managed to use the fax machine to make 3 copies of my passport. Thanks again.

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China Postal: The Consistency Of Our Service Never Changes, Only The Assholes That Do It Do!

Lesson Learned: Don't Ask My Coworkers ANYTHING ANYTIME ANYHOW ANYWHERE